Okay - lots of promise, but it's not quite right yet - and structurally feels a bit scruffy. So, some suggestions to help get this nice and ship-shape.
So, we have a young female penguin (a black and white flightless bird) who longs to fly and for some attention. The penguin is in a zoo.
How about the penguin is watching, not puffins, but parrots? I suggest this for 2 reasons; 1) parrots can fly and they're the opposite in terms of colour; 2) parrots often have trapeze-type things in their cages (the trapeze has gone missing rather from your story). What with your setting in the zoo, it's perfectly plausible that the penguins can see the parrot aviary from their enclosure. It also makes more sense to me that your female penguin would be drawn to a bird with showier feathers etc.
I think the disapproving young male penguin isn't a clear enough character; I'm really not sure why he's so grumpy. However, parents are often very disapproving of their children wanting to work in showbusiness, so I can better imagine how a parent penguin (a big daddy emperor penguin?) would be keen for his daughter not to become a 'parrot'.
I really like the detail of the possessions being dropped over the enclosure explaining the presence of the skateboard, and I like the idea too of the girl penguin using the lost property as her dressing up box - much to her father's disapproval (and I can imagine an early scene in which he discovers her all dressed up to look a bit showbiz).
I think you have to make the trapeze her goal; the trapeze = the stage - the centre of attention. Perhaps it's less than a trapeze, and more like one of those hoops that display birds roost on, but which functions as a trapeze;
Anyway, the point is that reaching that perch is your penguin's goal, and so uses the skateboard to launch herself - which she does, while her father (who loves her) watches in horror. Anyway, maybe she misses the perch but flies through the hoop performs a double-somersault and the crowd goes wild...
... and then we next see her at someplace like 'Seaworld Circus' doing these amazing stunts, flying through burning hoops etc - happy at last.
You know, even as I'm writing this, I keep thinking 'make the penguin a boy' - the idea of boy penguin yearning to be in showbusiness, with all the fancy costumes, who likes dressing up and the idea of wearing loads of brightly coloured feathers, while his father disapproves (but learns to love and accept him), just seems soooo much more satisfying - or maybe I'm losing my mind! (Gay penguins!) Anyway, when I think about your penguin who wants more than his black and white, flightless world, I can't help but hear this song!
Such amazing ideas, thank you so much, so helpful. This is much more exciting for me now, I have a pet parrot who I can't wait to pose for me. Hehe :D I can picture the dad right now, a rock hopper penguin with those huge eyebrows! Haha. The song was amazing :D My penguin is going to be fabulous.
OGR 24/01/2013
ReplyDeleteHi Lucy,
Okay - lots of promise, but it's not quite right yet - and structurally feels a bit scruffy. So, some suggestions to help get this nice and ship-shape.
So, we have a young female penguin (a black and white flightless bird) who longs to fly and for some attention. The penguin is in a zoo.
How about the penguin is watching, not puffins, but parrots? I suggest this for 2 reasons; 1) parrots can fly and they're the opposite in terms of colour; 2) parrots often have trapeze-type things in their cages (the trapeze has gone missing rather from your story). What with your setting in the zoo, it's perfectly plausible that the penguins can see the parrot aviary from their enclosure. It also makes more sense to me that your female penguin would be drawn to a bird with showier feathers etc.
I think the disapproving young male penguin isn't a clear enough character; I'm really not sure why he's so grumpy. However, parents are often very disapproving of their children wanting to work in showbusiness, so I can better imagine how a parent penguin (a big daddy emperor penguin?) would be keen for his daughter not to become a 'parrot'.
I really like the detail of the possessions being dropped over the enclosure explaining the presence of the skateboard, and I like the idea too of the girl penguin using the lost property as her dressing up box - much to her father's disapproval (and I can imagine an early scene in which he discovers her all dressed up to look a bit showbiz).
I think you have to make the trapeze her goal; the trapeze = the stage - the centre of attention. Perhaps it's less than a trapeze, and more like one of those hoops that display birds roost on, but which functions as a trapeze;
http://www.perchfactory.com/images/gallery-pics/bird-swings/round-swings-336x280.jpg
Anyway, the point is that reaching that perch is your penguin's goal, and so uses the skateboard to launch herself - which she does, while her father (who loves her) watches in horror. Anyway, maybe she misses the perch but flies through the hoop performs a double-somersault and the crowd goes wild...
... and then we next see her at someplace like 'Seaworld Circus' doing these amazing stunts, flying through burning hoops etc - happy at last.
You know, even as I'm writing this, I keep thinking 'make the penguin a boy' - the idea of boy penguin yearning to be in showbusiness, with all the fancy costumes, who likes dressing up and the idea of wearing loads of brightly coloured feathers, while his father disapproves (but learns to love and accept him), just seems soooo much more satisfying - or maybe I'm losing my mind! (Gay penguins!) Anyway, when I think about your penguin who wants more than his black and white, flightless world, I can't help but hear this song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW-AxyBQ1kA
(It's my anthem too!)
Such amazing ideas, thank you so much, so helpful. This is much more exciting for me now, I have a pet parrot who I can't wait to pose for me. Hehe :D
DeleteI can picture the dad right now, a rock hopper penguin with those huge eyebrows! Haha. The song was amazing :D My penguin is going to be fabulous.